Clever Fan Sneaks Into Music Festival By Burying Self In Dirt There Week Before

CHICAGO—Touting it as the only “tried and true” method for attending such expensive shows for free, local man Ian Procyk told reporters Friday he had managed to sneak into a musical festival by burying himself in the dirt at the event’s outdoor location a week ahead of time. “It was easy, really—all I had to do was show up to the park several days early, dig a large hole, and then lie in wait until the first band hit the stage,” said Procyk, who added that he emerged from the ground in Chicago’s Grant Park in a way he hoped was relatively inconspicuous, with a single fist bursting from the earth and his dirt-caked head and torso writhing to free themselves while he gasped for air. “I just crawled out, brushed myself off, and security was none the wiser. Sure, I had to breathe out of a straw for a week, but I saved, like, $300. It will all be worth it for the Postal Service.” At press time, Procyk had reportedly been kicked out of the festival after security discovered him attempting to rebury himself there for the night.