Northwestern Fans Hopeful Hazing Scandal Means School Finally Getting Serious About Football

EVANSTON, IL—In the wake of several turbulent weeks in which multiple former players filed lawsuits against the school and head coach Pat Fitzgerald was fired, Northwestern Wildcats fans reportedly expressed hope Friday that a massive hazing scandal meant the school was finally getting serious about football. “When I read about the coercion, the forced sexual acts, and the racial discrimination, it just made me think that they’re finally trying to compete with other top DI teams for real,” said Northwestern student Caleb Eakins, adding that years of alleged severe hazing had likely led to the team winning its first Big Ten West division title in 2018 and being bowl-eligible five times between the 2015 and 2020 seasons. “You don’t see players wearing Purge masks dry-humping other guys in the locker room unless you’re serious about making it to the national championship game. Having such a toxic and dehumanizing atmosphere sets exactly the kind of foundation Northwestern needs to compete with the top teams that have been hazing on this level for years. I’m really excited to see what kind of disgusting hazing behavior gets revealed next.” At press time, visibly distressed fans of conference rival Purdue University told reporters that they feared their team wasn’t engaging in the kind of hardcore hazing necessary to compete with a serious team like those sick fucks at Northwestern.