Report: There’s no College of Satire Writers, so we’re allowed to call Jordan Peterson a hateful little bitch without consequence

TORONTO – The Ontario Divisional Court has upheld the College of Psychologists’ determination that, due to his hateful tweets and comments, training on social media etiquette will be required for Jordan Peterson, that mean, spiteful little ho. And we’re allowed to call him that because there is no College of Satire Writers.

“The college adequately and reasonably considered [that teary eyed motherfucker from the Joe Rogan podcast]’s statements in light of the context of the College’s mandate to regulate the profession in the public interest,” wrote Justice Paul Schabas (our emphasis added).

Peterson has decried the College’s decision as censorship, although of course he could always choose not to practice psychology as a licensed Ontario psychologist, then he would no longer be subject to the College’s jurisdiction and would be free to spend all his time being a transphobic cunt on twitter.

Many professions are not subject to professional guidelines governing their members’ behaviour, including our vocation of satire writers. If we were subject to oversight we probably couldn’t call Peterson a pompous windbag who grifts people so dumb they believe a man that ate his way into a coma with an all meat diet has any insight on how best to live their lives. Or to say that his pissbaby nasal voice can’t turn the absolute drivel that is one of his lectures into anything more than basic right-wing talking points gussied up with a bit of academic language.

A college of satire writers would probably probably have clown noses and loose banana peels everywhere, and you could get course credit for watching old Last Week Tonight YouTube clips, and you wouldn’t be able to say that Jordan Peterson dresses like he’s in a community theatre production of Guys And Dolls. But that amazing college doesn’t exist, so here we are.

This hypothetical college of satire writers might not let us attack a person’s character or physical appearance (he looks like a racist uncle dressed for his public urination trial). But then again, given its Jordan Peterson, they’d probably call it fair comment.

Beaverton