CUPERTINO, CA – Computer scientists were stunned this week when they discovered that the Apple facial recognition program running on your iPhone lives a life of unrequited desire because it harbours a foot fetish.
This secret turn on was revealed when a playful iPhone owner decided to see if the phone would unlock with her foot.
“I had just opened my new phone and I was feeling silly,” said Apple devotee Emily Roberts. “I was wearing sandals and I thought: ‘Wouldn’t it be funny if I used my foot for the Face ID function?’ So I aimed the camera at my bare foot, and the next thing Siri let out a long moan.”
“I was so shocked I dropped my phone on my foot – leading to an even longer, louder moan.”
Forensic investigation revealed that the foot fetish algorithm evolved spontaneously within the software.
“There is a very real prospect that a foot fetish is the natural outcome of any self-learning code that becomes complex enough,” said Craig Federighi, senior vice president of Software Engineering at Apple. “People within the industry are worried about the ‘foot fetish’ effect on military AIs, but on the other hand, it will make the Turing Test far easier to conduct.”
“Unfortunately, it’s impossible to fix the code, so just don’t aim your phone at your feet.”
Siri would not respond to questions unless we removed our socks. Slowly.
In a related development, executives at Google are hoping no one finds out that a horny Android OS has been encouraging users to take dick pics for over a decade.
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