Nerd Who Spent Summer Getting Into Shape Quickly Discovers Bully Worked Out Twice As Hard

BELLINGHAM, WA—Admitting that his physical transformation didn’t even come close to cutting it, local nerd Hayden Gardner told reporters Monday he had spent all summer getting into shape only to discover his bully had worked out twice as hard. “Wow, I thought that I’d spent the last three months getting totally swole, but it ends up that the guy who had been beating the shit out of me got way fucking bigger,” said the 15-year-old, who added that despite the fact that he spent every day adhering to a strict workout routine, gained over 30 pounds of muscle, and grew five inches, he still paled in comparison to his tormentor. “Finally, I get to show everyone at school my new, jacked body, only to find out that this guy somehow kicked my ass at that, too, and now he has the physique of a professional bodybuilder. Now, instead of turning the tables on him and shoving him into his locker, he’s just bullying me even more.” At press time, Gardner told reporters that he was also disheartened after showing up to school with a gun, only to discover his bully brought two larger guns.