White Evangelicals Explain Why They Refuse To Vote For Vivek Ramaswamy

“His parents are untrustworthy Tamil Brahmin rather than, say, the pure, majestic Mohyal Brahmins from the Punjab region.”

“I am already voting for Jesus.”

“Not blond. Not even trying to be blond. At least get highlights for God’s sake.”

“That name sounds a little too Jewish for my liking.”

“I know what you’re thinking, and I want to assure you it has nothing to do with the fact that he’s Hindu and everything to do with the color of his skin.”

“He might want to cage women who’ve had abortions like I want, but he wants to do it for theologically incorrect reasons.”

“I’m going to be gunned down while trying to shoot up a mosque long before the primary, or I would.’

“All the white evangelicals at my megachurch agree it’s time we had a woman president.”

“His religion, of course. He went to a Catholic prep school, and I’m an anti-papist.”

“Do you see a halo around his head? I rest my case.”

“I like what he has to say, but I’ve just always seen myself voting for a whiter supremacist.”

“He doesn’t look anything like God. I always vote for who looks the most like God and this time it’s gotta be Doug Burgum.”

“I’d love to convert to Hinduism to vote for him, but I just don’t have the time.”

“What part of white Christian nationalism do you not understand?”

“Vivek should go back to wherever the hell he came from, which I assume is somewhere like Cincinnati, OH.”

“He reminds me of all those little shits on missionary trips who disobeyed me and kept their religion.”

“God teaches acceptance for thieves, murderers, and rapists, but brown people, not so much.”

“He refuses to let me baptize him.”

“I need him to be more like the other candidates and at least lie about being a Christian.”

“I could be okay if he were part of a more mainstream religion like Islam, but being Hindu is just a step too far.”

“Don’t get me wrong, I think he would make a great White House servant.”