PARKERSVILLE, MI—After conducting an investigation that concluded he must have been a certified dipshit, authorities confirmed local idiot kid Dylan Zwillet, 6, died Wednesday after being left in an unlocked car. “It’s always a tragedy when a child is forgotten and dies in a car on a hot day, but there’s no way around the fact that this absolute moron didn’t even try the door,” said EMT Calvin Mulberger, adding that if he had, the little shit-for-brains would have realized he could exit the vehicle at any time. “Zwillet was a first-grade boy who, according to the evidence we have gathered, must have been flunking out of his elementary school, because the keys were right there in the ignition—meaning he could have turned on the air conditioning and been completely fine. Not to mention the windows were rolled down, so he could have climbed out if he wanted. Or just hung his head out and breathed some cool air. It was only, like, 80 degrees today.” Reached for comment, Zwillet’s parents expressed remorse for their fatal absentmindedness but stated that “you would not believe how fucking stupid” their son was.
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