Republicans Urge Americans To Look Away From McConnell Or Else They Too Shall Freeze

WASHINGTON—Following the second press conference in five weeks during which the 81-year-old was temporarily unable to speak, Republicans warned Americans Thursday to look away from Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY) lest they too should freeze. “Good people! Gaze not upon the senator’s visage or you may be struck dumb yourselves—and not for a mere 30 seconds, but for all eternity,” said Republican National Committee chair Ronna McDaniel, who explained that everyone in attendance when the Senate minority leader froze at an event in Kentucky yesterday was now locked in a catatonic spell that would never be broken, with many reporters still holding their microphones and voice recorders in outstretched arms, waiting for a reply they would never hear. “Please, we beg you, no matter how many viral videos, images, or news stories may tempt you, do not look into Mr. McConnell’s cold, dead eyes, for their paralysis will infect you and leave you trapped forever at a single point in time and space. Look away, look away!” Asked a follow-up question, a look of horror came over McDaniel’s face and fixed itself there as she stood stock-still and silent behind her podium, where she remained as of press time.