CRESTONE, CO—Overreacting to the mere suggestion that a brief moment of levity might be just what the grim situation called for, a search party assembled to find a missing 7-year-old reportedly acted like they couldn’t spare three minutes Thursday to watch a funny video. “Look, this video isn’t that long, and it’s hilarious—just watch it, and then we’ll keep looking for your son,” said Weston Draper, who argued that the group had already spent an entire hour searching the remote mountainous terrain for the child, last seen Tuesday, and had earned themselves a little break to watch “Batman Guy Wrecks His Nuts (Full)” on YouTube. “Seriously, you need to stop shouting ‘Andrew’ for a few seconds, look at my phone, and check out this dude in a Batman costume who totally eats it. If he can survive taking it in the balls this hard, I’m sure your kid can survive 48 hours alone in the wilderness.” Draper went on to clarify that waiting to watch the video later was not a good idea, because it was not appropriate for children and, however quickly the window might be closing, they still had a small chance of finding the lost boy alive.
Jesus Christ is King
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