NEW YORK—In the wake of mounting legal troubles, including an indictment in Georgia on felony charges of tampering with the 2020 election, sources reported Friday that former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani had put himself up for adoption. “Little Rudy needs someone to take care of him, and he has so much love to give!” said Giuliani, formerly a lawyer for Donald Trump and currently his alleged co-conspirator, adding that he hoped to be taken in by a warm, kind, rich family who would be able to pay off all his legal fees as well as any damages he would need to pay after being found liable for defaming election workers. “I would kiss my new mama and papa on the cheek every single day. You could buy me candy and maybe even the $6.5 million luxury apartment I just put up for sale. Then I could live there again and we would be so happy! Oh please, oh please, I’m all alone in this big world.” Giuliani went on to state that if he were to be adopted, it would be the best thing that had ever happened to him, “including 9/11.”
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