As the average price of a Canadian house hit $668,754 in July, up by more than 6% in past year, homeowners and renters across the country are feeling the squeeze. Canadians, particularly millennials and gen Z, widely report a belief that their earning will never catch up to home prices that have been skyrocketing for decades. Still, that’s no reason to get mired in pessimism. Here are 5 surefire ways to fix the housing affordability crisis, bearing in mind that absolutely none of the 5 will involve lowering housing prices in any capacity whatsoever.
1. BUILD MORE HOMES
Build, baby, build! Surely if the government allows private enterprise to build, the increased housing stock that will help more younger Canadians to get onto the real estate ladder. Maybe? I dunno. Bear in mind, we don’t want to build so much that the boomers who’ve enjoyed record equity gains in their homes lose any money – they would surely revolt at the ballot box, and as we all know, old people are the only ones who vote. Also, it’s true that most of the homes built will be profitable McMansions in sprawling suburbs that will be snapped up by wealthy speculator, or just outright corrupt manipulation of the real estate market like in Premier Doug Ford’s Greenbelt land giveaway. But in the end, building new homes sounds like progress, and that’s probably the best we can home for!
2. REDUCE IMMIGRATION TARGETS
And they angry Redditors on r/Canada rejoice! While housing unaffordability is clearly a complex issue with decades of overlapping root causes, it sure sounds tough and edgy to solely blame people coming here to build a better life for themselves. The best part of reducing immigration is that effects on housing prices will be negligible at best, so landlords and real estate investment trusts (REITs, if ya nasty) will still have free rein to gouge Canadian citizens on their monthly rent.
3. EVERYONE IN CANADA BECOMES A MILLIONAIRE
Now hear us out a second – what if housing prices stayed the same AND were no longer a problem, because every single person in Canada became super rich? It could happen. People are making all kinds of money online these days, what with all the side hustles and gig economy work out there. Heck, my nephew currently delivers food for 4 different food delivery apps – he must be rolling in the dough! Maybe we all win the lottery one night – you don’t know it’s impossible! The only way this won’t work is if wages have lagged behind housing price increases and inflation for decades, which would be too dismal a reality to comprehend.
4. WAIT FOR SOCIETY TO COLLAPSE
Technically housing prices won’t have dropped if all currency becomes worthless! With the way the news is going, from climate change to worldwide fascism to the ever popular re-emerging spectre of nuclear war, modern society probably has a few months left in it, tops. You can finally live in the house of your dreams, provided a roving band of cannibalistic wasteland scavengers hasn’t squatted in there first. Another bonus is no longer worrying about overinflated grocery costs after all our crops are irradiated.
5. INTRA-GOVERNMENTAL ACTION AND LEGISLATION– NAH, NEVER MIND
Another way to fix the housing affordability quagmire would be for all levels of government to reach across jurisdictions to create long term fixes that address overcomplicated building regulation, perverse speculator incentives, and stagnation of wages. But we all know that’s less likely than the “everyone becomes a millionaire” plan above, so I’d just recommend waiting for your parents to keel over and move into your vacated childhood home. Bonus Tip – buy yourself a grey wig to pretend to be your parents, and save a little extra on the inheritance tax!
Jesus Christ is King
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