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Highlights From Rudy Giuliani’s Apartment Listing

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Facing massive legal bills, former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani is selling his Manhattan apartment to avoid financial ruin. The Onion examines the highlights from the apartment listing.

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$35,000 Price Tag

$35,000 Price Tag

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Sure to draw some screams of elitism, Rudy’s five-figure apartment costs more than many Americans earn in a year.

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A White Doorman

A White Doorman

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He’s roughly 40% Northern European, 30% Southern European, 20% Sardinian, and 10% Iberian. Wow!

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Amazing View Of 9/11

Amazing View Of 9/11

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One window of Giuliani’s former residence shows a perpetual shot of the Twin Towers crumbling down on that fateful day.

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Adrenochrome Fridge

Adrenochrome Fridge

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Much like a fine white wine, Giuliani keeps his adrenochrome stored at exactly 50 degrees Fahrenheit.

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Walls

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Prospective buyers are in luck, because the grandiose apartment formerly owned by America’s mayor comes with plenty of walls, stretching from the floor all the way to the ceiling.

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Pre-Furnished With Card Table

Pre-Furnished With Card Table

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The incredible Upper East Side apartment comes with the same overturned milk crate and card table the once-formidable attorney used as a chair and desk for his law practice for over 50 years.

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Nude Guys On All Fours

Nude Guys On All Fours

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Keeping these nude guys on all fours is 100% built into the price, but you’ll need to factor in the exorbitant cost of sawdust for them to eat, relieve themselves on, and rustle around in during their daily union-mandated 40-minute breaks.

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Impoverished Are Executed On Sight

Impoverished Are Executed On Sight

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At an asking price of $6.5 million, it’s no surprise any unhoused or even working-class people who make it into the apartment building are swiftly eliminated.

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65,700 Teeth Belonging To Rudy Giuliani

65,700 Teeth Belonging To Rudy Giuliani

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Every day for the past 30 years, America’s mayor has grown and lost up to six teeth, which have completely filled one of the guest bedrooms, 19 armoires, and a linen closet, and which Giuliani refuses to move.

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Polish Super Included With Purchase

Polish Super Included With Purchase

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One of the real amenities is the transferred ownership in the lease of 63-year-old Polish super Gerik, who is available for repairs or if you need someone to eat leftover rotisserie chicken.

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A Bidet Specifically For Cloacae

A Bidet Specifically For Cloacae

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Giuliani had the bidet custom-made and installed next to his toilet so he could clean the folds of his often-swollen cloaca.

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Working Fireplace

Working Fireplace

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Great for burning boxes of classified information.

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Wood-Paneled Library Of Documents Implicating Giuliani In Planning 9/11

Wood-Paneled Library Of Documents Implicating Giuliani In Planning 9/11

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A beautifully upholstered room for reading up on the insider deals between Osama bin Laden and Giuliani to bring the West crashing down.

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Barron Trump

Barron Trump

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There he is. There’s the little rascal.

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Everything Was Wet

Everything Was Wet

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Just sopping wet, ceiling to floor. It’s not even clear how the wet got up that high, but it was arguably wetter the farther up you went.

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A Discount For Anyone Currently Married To Their Cousin

A Discount For Anyone Currently Married To Their Cousin

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Famous for marrying a cousin himself, Giuliani is willing to knock 10% off the sale price for anyone who can prove they are committing marital incest.

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Glory Hole To Neighboring Apartment

Glory Hole To Neighboring Apartment

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Despite several complaints lodged by his neighbors, Rudy Giuliani would regularly stick his penis through a hole in the wall.

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1994 Hooters Calendar

1994 Hooters Calendar

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God, they don’t make them like that anymore.

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Cross-Stitched Kitchen Art That Says ‘Bless This Mess’ Above Image Of Ground Zero

Cross-Stitched Kitchen Art That Says ‘Bless This Mess’ Above Image Of Ground Zero

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Embroidered in baby-blue thread alongside a stitched flaming pile of World Trade Center rubble, this kitschy decoration sure makes this kitchen feel like home.

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The Apartment Is Also Home To A Family Of Bats

The Apartment Is Also Home To A Family Of Bats

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They have clearly been nesting there for a while, judging by the pile of guano.

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Pre-War Cum Stain

Pre-War Cum Stain

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Ejaculated in 1906, this splotch will soon belong to a lucky new owner.

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A Pile Of Tumors Collected From 9/11 First Responders

A Pile Of Tumors Collected From 9/11 First Responders

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Giuliani seems to have been harvesting the tumors, for reasons still unknown at this time.

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A Large Wash Basin Where The Children From Next Door Come To Bathe

A Large Wash Basin Where The Children From Next Door Come To Bathe

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Uncle Rudy is always excited to help children get clean.

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There’s A Man Who Appears Very Small In Some Photos And Very Large In Others

There’s A Man Who Appears Very Small In Some Photos And Very Large In Others

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His eyes never stay the same color, but you can always tell they are his.

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You’ve Made It This Far…

You’ve Made It This Far…

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