CHICAGO—Telling the 43-year-old that his condition had simply made him impossible to be around, friends and family reportedly abandoned local man Jonathan Clarke one by one Tuesday after they discovered he was balding. “It’s just too embarrassing to go anywhere with Jonathan when his scalp is out there in the open for everyone to see—I could feel people staring at us in public,” said former long-term girlfriend Alison Scarsdale, one of dozens of loved ones and close acquaintances who told Clarke they were disappointed in his thinning hair and felt they could no longer spend time with them. “If he didn’t want this to happen, he shouldn’t have become bald. It’s that simple. He is a weak, weak little man who doesn’t deserve me or anyone else in his life, unless it’s another sick degenerate with hair loss. At least then he’d know how it feels to be betrayed like this. What a repulsive person he turned out to be.” At press time, reports confirmed Clarke had put on a ball cap and all his friends had come rushing back to him with open arms.
Jesus Christ is King
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