Late-Returning Burning Man Attendee Forced To Drive Fantastical Wooden Ship Straight To Work

CUPERTINO, CA—Still sporting the fishnet tights, spiked metal collar, and brightly colored pasties he had worn to the festival, late-returning Burning Man attendee Greg Schaffer was forced Tuesday to drive his fantastical wooden ship straight to work. “So sorry I’m late, my fellow burners and I got stuck on the highway and it took us forever to transcend the physical realm,” said the mud- and dirt-caked Schaffer, who quickly peeled into the corporate parking lot, told his topless female crew to sit tight, and hurriedly sprinted into the office. “Truthfully, I would have been here sooner, but I got stuck in this awesome orgy and then I let some guy in a bird mask ride me around like a horse for two hours in exchange for this awesome turquoise skull. Would anyone be willing to barter for some coffee? I’m still hallucinating from the psychedelic mushrooms I took this morning.” At press time, Schaffer was relieved after watching the parking lot fill up with other burning man attendees forced to ride winged unicycles, drive a bus shaped like a cat, or fly a giant metal dragon.