UTICA, NY—Nearly maintaining the moral standard from sunup to sundown, local hero Nathan Cessner reportedly made it almost an entire day this week without molesting a child. “I think he and his ability to not sexually assault minors for a period approaching 24 hours embodies something we should all strive toward,” said neighbor Leah Gardner, explaining that the only reason Cessner, now an admired role model in the community, had slipped up at all was because he passed a playground on his way home from work. “It’s inspiring that even in the face of multiple unsupervised children, he remained resolute in not diddling them right up until the end of the day.” At press time, the FBI confirmed it had found nearly zero terabytes of child porn in a raid of the heroic Cessner’s apartment.
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