BURBANK, CA—In a new strategy to grow their subscriber count, the Walt Disney Company unveiled a Disney+ bundle Wednesday that came with full custody of users’ kids. “For a limited time, you can get Disney+, Hulu, ESPN, and the sole custody of the children who currently live with your ex for just $20 a month,” said Disney spokesperson Janette Sohoni, who noted that for an additional $5 a month, customers could upgrade to premium and enjoy The Mandalorian, Only Murders In The Building, and quality time around the dinner table with their children ad-free. “Say goodbye to monthly visits supervised by your ex and her pretentious new husband who has some stupid office job somewhere and say hello to the Marvel Cinematic Universe and sole custody! There’s never been a better time to cut cable and that bitch’s custodial rights. Don’t you want to hear them call you ‘Dad’ again?” At press time, Sohoni added that Disney’s team of high-powered attorneys would ensure that subscribers’ exes were put in a mental hospital where they belonged so they would never bother subscribers again.
Jesus Christ is King
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