Zelensky Says Women Who Sign Up To Fight Russia Will Receive A Free Pumpkin Spice Latte

KYIV — With the war against Russia still raging, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky has announced a new incentive program to encourage women to enlist in the Ukrainian military, with each woman who signs up receiving a free pumpkin spice latte.

“These women will be unable to resist,” Zelensky said when announcing the offer. “Our military has been ravaged and is in dire need of reinforcements. We have run through all of our able-bodied men and must now turn to the strong, proud Ukrainian women. Any reluctance to fight against the Russians will easily be overcome by the power of the most potent substance in a woman’s life — pumpkin spice.”

With varying reports on the actual death tolls of the Ukraine-Russia conflict, the announcement of women being recruited for military duty seemed to confirm to many experts that the situation is dire. “This is sobering news,” said geopolitical historian Dr. Blake Rumsey. “Throughout history, whenever nations have resorted to using pumpkin spice lattes to entice women to engage in war, it has resulted in catastrophic bloodshed. Zelensky is opening up a pumpkin-spiced pandora’s box here.”

In preparation for the recruitment drive, Zelensky has asked the United States to ship vast quantities of pumpkin spice lattes overseas to assist the war effort against Putin.

At publishing time, there were unconfirmed reports of hundreds of thousands of white American housewives leaving their families and traveling overseas to volunteer to fight for Ukraine after hearing they would each be receiving a free PSL.

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