PEARSALL, TX—Explaining that it was hard not to feel inferior given their job responsibilities, ICE agent Marcus Snell admitted to reporters Thursday that he was jealous of his police officer friend who gets to kill actual Americans. “Contributing to the deaths of Central American refugees is fun and all, but Jerry gets to kill the real thing,” said Snell of his friend Jerry Teague, adding that the rush of watching a migrant starve to death in a cage was probably nothing compared to shooting an actual U.S. taxpayer. “Credit where credit’s due, Jerry does an amazing job, like last week when he helped beat that honest-to-god Texas resident to death, but I just feel like there’s an obvious double standard here. When a cop like Jerry shoots a person, people get all mad and there’s a hashtag and protests and stuff, but when I do the same thing to some Honduran migrant there’s nothing? That doesn’t seem fair. The killings I do are just as inhumane, if not worse. I guess those are the benefits of having to take an entrance exam.” At press time, Snell asked reporters what they thought the conversion rate should be, suggesting 10 migrants per U.S. citizen.
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