Jesus' Coming Back

2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

Start Slideshow
Image for article titled 2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

With the 2023 NFL season kicking off this week, Onion Sports has in-depth analysis of every team in the NFC.

Advertisement

Previous Slide
Next Slide

Dallas Cowboys, NFC East

Dallas Cowboys, NFC East

Image for article titled 2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

Advertisement

Previous Slide
Next Slide

Strength

Image for article titled 2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

Owner Jerry Jones is one year closer to the grave.

Advertisement

Previous Slide
Next Slide

Weakness

Image for article titled 2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

Linebacker Micah Parsons rarely leaves sacks for anyone else.

Advertisement

Previous Slide
Next Slide

Player To Watch

Player To Watch

Image for article titled 2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

Cowboys star Dak Prescott’s play could be affected by the front office’s decision to send him a note saying “You have no future here,” written in blood.

Advertisement

Previous Slide
Next Slide

Prediction

Prediction

Image for article titled 2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

Dak Prescott throws three interceptions in week one just to piss off local Cowboys fan Bill Myers, because he hates him with a passion and is being bad on purpose to spite him, just as Bill suspects.

Advertisement

Previous Slide
Next Slide

New York Giants, NFC East

New York Giants, NFC East

Image for article titled 2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

Advertisement

Previous Slide
Next Slide

Strength

Image for article titled 2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

Head coach Brian Daboll helped develop Bills superstar Josh Allen, which is a skill that could come in handy if the Giants ever acquire a quarterback with any potential.

Advertisement

Previous Slide
Next Slide

Weakness

Image for article titled 2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

Although the secondary looks subpar overall, they do display excellent burst while heading back to the sideline after giving up a touchdown.

Advertisement

Previous Slide
Next Slide

Key Stat

Image for article titled 2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

Running back Saquon Barkley leads all active NFL players with 5.8 injuries per carry.

Advertisement

Previous Slide
Next Slide

Prediction

Prediction

Image for article titled 2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

Following a 1-5 start, New York Mayor Eric Adams declares the Giants cursed and holds an exorcism at MetLife Stadium.

Advertisement

Previous Slide
Next Slide

Philadelphia Eagles, NFC East

Philadelphia Eagles, NFC East

Image for article titled 2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

Advertisement

Previous Slide
Next Slide

Strength

Image for article titled 2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

Fielding the deepest roster in the NFC with all-stars on both sides of the ball could be a key advantage against other football teams.

Advertisement

Previous Slide
Next Slide

Weakness

Image for article titled 2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

Sometimes the defensive linemen get kind of bored during sacks.

Advertisement

Previous Slide
Next Slide

Player To Watch

Player To Watch

Image for article titled 2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

The gigantic one about to crush the quarterback.

Advertisement

Previous Slide
Next Slide

Prediction

Prediction

Image for article titled 2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

Another Super Bowl–contending season for the Eagles should end any debate over whether God, karma, or any kind of balancing spiritual force exists in the world.

Advertisement

Previous Slide
Next Slide

Washington Commanders, NFC East

Washington Commanders, NFC East

Image for article titled 2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

Advertisement

Previous Slide
Next Slide

Strength

Image for article titled 2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

Not having to see Dan Snyder’s fucking face every day.

Advertisement

Previous Slide
Next Slide

Weakness

Image for article titled 2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

Owner Dan Snyder selling the team robbed them of their toxic, scandal-ridden identity.

Advertisement

Previous Slide
Next Slide

Wild Card

Image for article titled 2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

The Commanders’ plans for playoff success could run into trouble when they have to play actual football games against other teams.

Advertisement

Previous Slide
Next Slide

Prediction

Prediction

Image for article titled 2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

Dan Snyder continues making so much more fucking money than any of us ever will.

Advertisement

Previous Slide
Next Slide

Arizona Cardinals, NFC West

Arizona Cardinals, NFC West

Image for article titled 2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

Advertisement

Previous Slide
Next Slide

Strength

Image for article titled 2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

The team has done an excellent job of trading away expensive veteran contracts that could potentially cost the Cardinals valuable losses.

Advertisement

Previous Slide
Next Slide

Weakness

Image for article titled 2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

Tiny fun quarterback broke.

Advertisement

Previous Slide
Next Slide

Player To Watch

Player To Watch

Image for article titled 2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

Caleb Williams, the USC quarterback, is must-see for Cardinals fans hoping to understand why Arizona is trying so hard to lose.

Advertisement

Previous Slide
Next Slide

Prediction

Prediction

Image for article titled 2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

A 2-14 season leaves the Cardinals with the top pick in the 2024 draft, and they fuck that up too.

Advertisement

Previous Slide
Next Slide

Los Angeles Rams, NFC West

Los Angeles Rams, NFC West

Image for article titled 2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

Advertisement

Previous Slide
Next Slide

Strength

Image for article titled 2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

The Rams apparently believe in themselves enough not to do anything in the offseason to address the holes in their roster.

Advertisement

Previous Slide
Next Slide

Weakness

Image for article titled 2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

Many on the Rams rapidly aging roster could be tempted to retire by the allure of upcoming Social Security payouts.

Advertisement

Previous Slide
Next Slide

Key Stat

Image for article titled 2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

Quarterback Matthew Stafford’s brain has 3.8 games left until CTE fully kicks in.

Advertisement

Previous Slide
Next Slide

Prediction

Prediction

Image for article titled 2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

The Rams repeat as 5-12 champs.

Advertisement

Previous Slide
Next Slide

San Francisco 49ers, NFC West

San Francisco 49ers, NFC West

Image for article titled 2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

Advertisement

Previous Slide
Next Slide

Strength

Image for article titled 2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

Job security for management.

Advertisement

Previous Slide
Next Slide

Weakness

Image for article titled 2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

Job security for quarterbacks.

Advertisement

Previous Slide
Next Slide

Off-Field Issues

Off-Field Issues

Image for article titled 2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

A number of San Francisco residents have complained that the presence of 49ers players making less than $5 million is hurting local property values.

Advertisement

Previous Slide
Next Slide

Prediction

Prediction

Image for article titled 2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

Trey Lance and Jimmy Garoppolo have career years.

Advertisement

Previous Slide
Next Slide

Seattle Seahawks, NFC West

Seattle Seahawks, NFC West

Image for article titled 2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

Advertisement

Previous Slide
Next Slide

Strength

Image for article titled 2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

Geno Smith is out to prove that the entirety of his career up until last season was no fluke.

Advertisement

Previous Slide
Next Slide

Weakness

Image for article titled 2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

The Seahawks were one of the worst teams in the league in jogging back to the locker room at halftime.

Advertisement

Previous Slide
Next Slide

Wide Receivers

Wide Receivers

Image for article titled 2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

They have too many wide receivers.

Advertisement

Previous Slide
Next Slide

Prediction

Prediction

Image for article titled 2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

The Seahawks get distracted after seeing Mount Rainier looking majestic during a game.

Advertisement

Previous Slide
Next Slide

Chicago Bears, NFC North

Chicago Bears, NFC North

Image for article titled 2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

Advertisement

Previous Slide
Next Slide

Strength

Image for article titled 2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

The Bears have provided Justin Fields with enough weapons that he should be able to lead the team to a couple more victories and prevent the franchise from drafting an elite quarterback.

Advertisement

Previous Slide
Next Slide

Weakness

Image for article titled 2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

The defense could struggle to top how abysmal they were last year.

Advertisement

Previous Slide
Next Slide

Player To Watch

Player To Watch

Image for article titled 2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

Quarterback Justin Fields will lead the league in yards carted.

Advertisement

Previous Slide
Next Slide

Prediction

Prediction

Image for article titled 2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

You know, Chicago has a lot to be proud of as a city—tons of great food, amazing architecture, nice museums and parks—so you don’t really need to dwell on this too much.

Advertisement

Previous Slide
Next Slide

Detroit Lions, NFC North

Detroit Lions, NFC North

Image for article titled 2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

Advertisement

Previous Slide
Next Slide

Strength

Image for article titled 2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

They have 53 players and an entire coaching staff who understand the rules and basic strategies of football.

Advertisement

Previous Slide
Next Slide

Weakness

Image for article titled 2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

Unfortunately for the Lions, scoring tons of points still results in losses if you let the opposing team score even more.

Advertisement

Previous Slide
Next Slide

Player To Watch

Player To Watch

Image for article titled 2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

You know this isn’t the real Jared Goff, guys. Deep down you know it.

Advertisement

Previous Slide
Next Slide

Prediction

Prediction

Image for article titled 2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

A triumphant return to the playoffs will launch the franchise into their classic year or two of hope before becoming the Lions again.

Advertisement

Previous Slide
Next Slide

Green Bay Packers, NFC North

Green Bay Packers, NFC North

Image for article titled 2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

Advertisement

Previous Slide
Next Slide

Strength

Image for article titled 2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

The roster is filled with fast, athletic players who are too young to fully comprehend the concept of winning and losing.

Advertisement

Previous Slide
Next Slide

Weakness

Image for article titled 2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

It may take time for new starting quarterback Jordan Love to fully develop the batshit ideas and combative demeanor of Aaron Rodgers.

Advertisement

Previous Slide
Next Slide

Fun Fact

Image for article titled 2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

The Packers are the only NFL franchise owned by The Onion.

Advertisement

Previous Slide
Next Slide

Prediction

Prediction

Image for article titled 2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

Years of aimless strategy and bickering still won’t be enough to take down this team while it shares a division with the Bears and Lions.

Advertisement

Previous Slide
Next Slide

Minnesota Vikings, NFC North

Minnesota Vikings, NFC North

Image for article titled 2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

Advertisement

Previous Slide
Next Slide

Strength

Image for article titled 2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

The Vikings have a roster and coaching staff that could really go deep into the playoffs if the NFL suddenly banned good teams.

Advertisement

Previous Slide
Next Slide

Weakness

Image for article titled 2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

The Vikings’ winning strategy of being a mostly bad team that relies on the hand of fate for random victories may not be a formula for long-term success.

Advertisement

Previous Slide
Next Slide

Biggest Threat

Biggest Threat

Image for article titled 2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

The war in Ukraine has shut down profitable amber trade routes along the Dnieper River.

Advertisement

Previous Slide
Next Slide

Prediction

Prediction

Image for article titled 2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

Justin Jefferson and Kirk Cousins combine to rack up the most meaningless yards and touchdowns in NFL history.

Advertisement

Previous Slide
Next Slide

Atlanta Falcons, NFC South

Atlanta Falcons, NFC South

Image for article titled 2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

Advertisement

Previous Slide
Next Slide

Strength

Image for article titled 2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

Punter Bradley Pinion leads the Falcons’ strong punt-first approach.

Advertisement

Previous Slide
Next Slide

Weakness

Image for article titled 2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

As a run-oriented team attempting to build a strong defense, the Falcons are vulnerable to teams playing after the year 2004.

Advertisement

Previous Slide
Next Slide

Stadium

Image for article titled 2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

Atlanta will play all its home games at Georgia Tech until their stadium in Cop City is finished.

Advertisement

Previous Slide
Next Slide

Prediction

Prediction

Image for article titled 2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

The Falcons have the feel of a team that by the end of 2023-2024 season will be out of the NFL, living on a houseboat, and doing odd jobs for cash.

Advertisement

Previous Slide
Next Slide

Carolina Panthers, NFC South

Carolina Panthers, NFC South

Image for article titled 2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

Advertisement

Previous Slide
Next Slide

Strength

Image for article titled 2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

The Panthers have displayed a great amount of creativity while listing Bryce Young at 5’10”.

Advertisement

Previous Slide
Next Slide

Weakness

Image for article titled 2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

Not a single resident of Carolina has been able to figure out where this team actually plays.

Advertisement

Previous Slide
Next Slide

Player To Watch

Player To Watch

Image for article titled 2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

Rookie QB Bryce Young will be expected to manage a complex offense right out of college despite receiving an Alabama education.

Advertisement

Previous Slide
Next Slide

Prediction

Prediction

Image for article titled 2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

The Panthers could surprise the league with a playoff run, or not, that’s just how this stuff goes.

Advertisement

Previous Slide
Next Slide

New Orleans Saints, NFC South

New Orleans Saints, NFC South

Image for article titled 2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

Advertisement

Previous Slide
Next Slide

Strength

Image for article titled 2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

Quarterback Derek Carr possesses the arm strength and throwing mechanics to put the ball 5 to 10 feet in front of the receiver on any part of the field.

Advertisement

Previous Slide
Next Slide

Weakness

Image for article titled 2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

Weakling running back Alvin Kamara apparently needs eight entire punches to knock a guy out.

Advertisement

Previous Slide
Next Slide

Who Dat?

Image for article titled 2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

Why, it’s the most annoying fan base in pro sports!

Advertisement

Previous Slide
Next Slide

Prediction

Prediction

Image for article titled 2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

The Saints struggle after most of their defense drowns in a hurricane.

Advertisement

Previous Slide
Next Slide

Tampa Bay Buccaneers, NFC South

Tampa Bay Buccaneers, NFC South

Image for article titled 2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

Advertisement

Previous Slide
Next Slide

Strength

Image for article titled 2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

Talented offensive tackle Tristan Wirfs will give quarterback Baker Mayfield all the time in the world to throw the ball into the stands.

Advertisement

Previous Slide
Next Slide

Weakness

Image for article titled 2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

Todd Bowles’ steady hand is praised enough for everyone to know he’s a lame-duck head coach.

Advertisement

Previous Slide
Next Slide

When Is Tom Brady Unretiring Again And Coming Back

When Is Tom Brady Unretiring Again And Coming Back

Image for article titled 2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

Week nine.

Advertisement

Previous Slide
Next Slide

Prediction

Prediction

Image for article titled 2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

The Bucs clinch the NFC South without winning a single game.

Advertisement

The Onion

Comments are closed.

This website uses cookies to improve your experience. We'll assume you're ok with this, but you can opt-out if you wish. Accept Read More