With the 2023 NFL season kicking off this week, Onion Sports has in-depth analysis of every team in the NFC.
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Dallas Cowboys, NFC East
Dallas Cowboys, NFC East
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Strength
Owner Jerry Jones is one year closer to the grave.
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Weakness
Linebacker Micah Parsons rarely leaves sacks for anyone else.
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Player To Watch
Player To Watch
Cowboys star Dak Prescott’s play could be affected by the front office’s decision to send him a note saying “You have no future here,” written in blood.
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Prediction
Prediction
Dak Prescott throws three interceptions in week one just to piss off local Cowboys fan Bill Myers, because he hates him with a passion and is being bad on purpose to spite him, just as Bill suspects.
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New York Giants, NFC East
New York Giants, NFC East
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Strength
Head coach Brian Daboll helped develop Bills superstar Josh Allen, which is a skill that could come in handy if the Giants ever acquire a quarterback with any potential.
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Weakness
Although the secondary looks subpar overall, they do display excellent burst while heading back to the sideline after giving up a touchdown.
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Key Stat
Running back Saquon Barkley leads all active NFL players with 5.8 injuries per carry.
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Prediction
Prediction
Following a 1-5 start, New York Mayor Eric Adams declares the Giants cursed and holds an exorcism at MetLife Stadium.
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Philadelphia Eagles, NFC East
Philadelphia Eagles, NFC East
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Strength
Fielding the deepest roster in the NFC with all-stars on both sides of the ball could be a key advantage against other football teams.
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Weakness
Sometimes the defensive linemen get kind of bored during sacks.
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Player To Watch
Player To Watch
The gigantic one about to crush the quarterback.
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Prediction
Prediction
Another Super Bowl–contending season for the Eagles should end any debate over whether God, karma, or any kind of balancing spiritual force exists in the world.
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Washington Commanders, NFC East
Washington Commanders, NFC East
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Strength
Not having to see Dan Snyder’s fucking face every day.
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Weakness
Owner Dan Snyder selling the team robbed them of their toxic, scandal-ridden identity.
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Wild Card
The Commanders’ plans for playoff success could run into trouble when they have to play actual football games against other teams.
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Prediction
Prediction
Dan Snyder continues making so much more fucking money than any of us ever will.
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Arizona Cardinals, NFC West
Arizona Cardinals, NFC West
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Strength
The team has done an excellent job of trading away expensive veteran contracts that could potentially cost the Cardinals valuable losses.
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Weakness
Tiny fun quarterback broke.
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Player To Watch
Player To Watch
Caleb Williams, the USC quarterback, is must-see for Cardinals fans hoping to understand why Arizona is trying so hard to lose.
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Prediction
Prediction
A 2-14 season leaves the Cardinals with the top pick in the 2024 draft, and they fuck that up too.
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Los Angeles Rams, NFC West
Los Angeles Rams, NFC West
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Strength
The Rams apparently believe in themselves enough not to do anything in the offseason to address the holes in their roster.
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Weakness
Many on the Rams rapidly aging roster could be tempted to retire by the allure of upcoming Social Security payouts.
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Key Stat
Quarterback Matthew Stafford’s brain has 3.8 games left until CTE fully kicks in.
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Prediction
Prediction
The Rams repeat as 5-12 champs.
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San Francisco 49ers, NFC West
San Francisco 49ers, NFC West
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Strength
Job security for management.
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Weakness
Job security for quarterbacks.
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Off-Field Issues
Off-Field Issues
A number of San Francisco residents have complained that the presence of 49ers players making less than $5 million is hurting local property values.
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Prediction
Prediction
Trey Lance and Jimmy Garoppolo have career years.
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Seattle Seahawks, NFC West
Seattle Seahawks, NFC West
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Strength
Geno Smith is out to prove that the entirety of his career up until last season was no fluke.
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Weakness
The Seahawks were one of the worst teams in the league in jogging back to the locker room at halftime.
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Wide Receivers
Wide Receivers
They have too many wide receivers.
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Prediction
Prediction
The Seahawks get distracted after seeing Mount Rainier looking majestic during a game.
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Chicago Bears, NFC North
Chicago Bears, NFC North
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Strength
The Bears have provided Justin Fields with enough weapons that he should be able to lead the team to a couple more victories and prevent the franchise from drafting an elite quarterback.
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Weakness
The defense could struggle to top how abysmal they were last year.
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Player To Watch
Player To Watch
Quarterback Justin Fields will lead the league in yards carted.
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Prediction
Prediction
You know, Chicago has a lot to be proud of as a city—tons of great food, amazing architecture, nice museums and parks—so you don’t really need to dwell on this too much.
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Detroit Lions, NFC North
Detroit Lions, NFC North
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Strength
They have 53 players and an entire coaching staff who understand the rules and basic strategies of football.
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Weakness
Unfortunately for the Lions, scoring tons of points still results in losses if you let the opposing team score even more.
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Player To Watch
Player To Watch
You know this isn’t the real Jared Goff, guys. Deep down you know it.
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Prediction
Prediction
A triumphant return to the playoffs will launch the franchise into their classic year or two of hope before becoming the Lions again.
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Green Bay Packers, NFC North
Green Bay Packers, NFC North
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Strength
The roster is filled with fast, athletic players who are too young to fully comprehend the concept of winning and losing.
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Weakness
It may take time for new starting quarterback Jordan Love to fully develop the batshit ideas and combative demeanor of Aaron Rodgers.
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Fun Fact
The Packers are the only NFL franchise owned by The Onion.
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Prediction
Prediction
Years of aimless strategy and bickering still won’t be enough to take down this team while it shares a division with the Bears and Lions.
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Minnesota Vikings, NFC North
Minnesota Vikings, NFC North
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Strength
The Vikings have a roster and coaching staff that could really go deep into the playoffs if the NFL suddenly banned good teams.
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Weakness
The Vikings’ winning strategy of being a mostly bad team that relies on the hand of fate for random victories may not be a formula for long-term success.
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Biggest Threat
Biggest Threat
The war in Ukraine has shut down profitable amber trade routes along the Dnieper River.
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Prediction
Prediction
Justin Jefferson and Kirk Cousins combine to rack up the most meaningless yards and touchdowns in NFL history.
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Atlanta Falcons, NFC South
Atlanta Falcons, NFC South
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Strength
Punter Bradley Pinion leads the Falcons’ strong punt-first approach.
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Weakness
As a run-oriented team attempting to build a strong defense, the Falcons are vulnerable to teams playing after the year 2004.
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Stadium
Atlanta will play all its home games at Georgia Tech until their stadium in Cop City is finished.
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Prediction
Prediction
The Falcons have the feel of a team that by the end of 2023-2024 season will be out of the NFL, living on a houseboat, and doing odd jobs for cash.
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Carolina Panthers, NFC South
Carolina Panthers, NFC South
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Strength
The Panthers have displayed a great amount of creativity while listing Bryce Young at 5’10”.
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Weakness
Not a single resident of Carolina has been able to figure out where this team actually plays.
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Player To Watch
Player To Watch
Rookie QB Bryce Young will be expected to manage a complex offense right out of college despite receiving an Alabama education.
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Prediction
Prediction
The Panthers could surprise the league with a playoff run, or not, that’s just how this stuff goes.
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New Orleans Saints, NFC South
New Orleans Saints, NFC South
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Strength
Quarterback Derek Carr possesses the arm strength and throwing mechanics to put the ball 5 to 10 feet in front of the receiver on any part of the field.
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Weakness
Weakling running back Alvin Kamara apparently needs eight entire punches to knock a guy out.
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Who Dat?
Why, it’s the most annoying fan base in pro sports!
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Prediction
Prediction
The Saints struggle after most of their defense drowns in a hurricane.
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Tampa Bay Buccaneers, NFC South
Tampa Bay Buccaneers, NFC South
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Strength
Talented offensive tackle Tristan Wirfs will give quarterback Baker Mayfield all the time in the world to throw the ball into the stands.
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Weakness
Todd Bowles’ steady hand is praised enough for everyone to know he’s a lame-duck head coach.
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When Is Tom Brady Unretiring Again And Coming Back
When Is Tom Brady Unretiring Again And Coming Back
Week nine.
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Prediction
Prediction
The Bucs clinch the NFC South without winning a single game.
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