WASHINGTON—Amid startled screams and gasps as the 46th commander in chief addressed the country, President Joe Biden attempted to ease worries about his age Thursday with a dramatic facelift. “My fellow Americans, people will try and argue that I’m unfit for office, but as you can see, I’m feeling younger than ever,” said the 80-year-old Biden, who then struggled to work his mouth into a flirty pout after various cosmetic procedures left him with overly tight skin and lips and cheeks swollen with filler. “While Republicans say I should retire, I promise you, I’m not going anywhere. In many ways, I still feel like a teenager! And I look like one, too.” At press time, Biden’s face had reportedly collapsed after the president attempted to wink and several hundred stitches burst out of his hairline.
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