Biden Attempts To Ease Worries About His Age With Dramatic Face Lift

WASHINGTON—Amid startled screams and gasps as the 46th commander in chief addressed the country, President Joe Biden attempted to ease worries about his age Thursday with a dramatic facelift. “My fellow Americans, people will try and argue that I’m unfit for office, but as you can see, I’m feeling younger than ever,” said the 80-year-old Biden, who then struggled to work his mouth into a flirty pout after various cosmetic procedures left him with overly tight skin and lips and cheeks swollen with filler. “While Republicans say I should retire, I promise you, I’m not going anywhere. In many ways, I still feel like a teenager! And I look like one, too.” At press time, Biden’s face had reportedly collapsed after the president attempted to wink and several hundred stitches burst out of his hairline.