SAN JOSE, CA—As part of an effort to nurture and raise its young, a self-driving Tesla regurgitated a pedestrian carcass to feed its offspring, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Wow, there’s something so beautiful about watching a mother Tesla feed its children by vomiting up the half-digested remains of a pedestrian,” said onlooker Becca Heinrich, explaining that she could tell young Teslas were hungry by the way they scarfed down the partially dissolved bones and viscera of the pedestrian killed at a nearby intersection. “It’s obvious how much it loves them when you consider how many times it drives away to get more pedestrian for them to devour. I don’t want to get too close, though, because if it smells me on the young brood, it might reject and kill the developing electric vehicles.” At press time, the self-driving Tesla was reportedly pushing its offspring out into the middle of a busy school crosswalk so they could learn to drive.
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