Aide Pulls Several Wet Pages Of Bill Out Of Dianne Feinstein’s Mouth

WASHINGTON—Trying to dislodge the saliva-covered documents without tearing them on the senator’s teeth, Senate aide Austin Shear reportedly pulled several wet pages out of Dianne Feinstein’s mouth Friday. “No, Dianne, that’s very bad—drop it!” said Shear, who stuck his fingers between Feinstein’s lips and used the other hand to attempt to force her jaw open, causing the stubborn 90-year-old senator to only clamp down on the bill harder. “No, no, no! I turn away for one minute, and this is what happens? Bad! Bad! Senators do not chew on documents. Your staff has been working very hard on writing that legislation for you, and you need to let it go right now.” At press time, Shear had raced away from Feinstein after noticing that Mitch McConnell had somehow gotten outside.