LOS ANGELES—Sealing the padded envelopes after stuffing in a few pairs of lightly soiled boxers, Matt Damon reportedly scrambled to make rent Friday by selling his used underwear online. “Fuck, if I don’t get these thongs out the door, I’m going to be out on the street!” said Damon, hurriedly flossing his ass with a G-string while explaining that he had guaranteed each customer 48 hours of wear without showering. “Goddammit, I’m already a week late, I hope this Craigslist post starts getting a little traction. I better not get fucked on PayPal again, like with that guy who claimed he’d pay extra for skid marks.” At press time, Damon was blowing his landlord after failing to sell enough underwear.
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