At their annual party convention this past weekend the Conservative base attempted to defuse Liberal arguments that the party is too far to the right for the average Canadian voter by passing a bunch of policies that are too far to the right for the average American voter. Here is our list of the most controversial policies approved by the delegates.
1. “No gender affirmation surgeries for Trans people too young for us to scream ‘Groomer’ at them.”
2. “In order to create ‘female only spaces’ every home in Canada must have separate bathrooms for men and women.”
3. “A Conservative government will crack down on child abuse by working with respected institutions like the Catholic Church to investigate how Hollywood and the Clintons keep getting away with it.”
4. “Every Canadian shall have the right to refuse a vaccine without fear of reprisals, loss of job security of being lightly criticized for allowing communicable diseases to spread because they saw a youtube video featuring a ‘doctor’ who also claims he can cure Arthritis with Aloe Vera and a bit of Meth.”
5. “Federal jobs should not be awarded based on an applicant’s skin colour or sexual orientation, but should go to the person who is objectively most qualified as determined by the straight, cis male doing the hiring.”
6. “Federal employees should not be forced to sit through training on social or political issues like whether racism exists or how to put paper in the copier the right way.”
7. “We should look into this global warming thing at some point.”
8. “Death smiles at us all. All we can do is smile back.”
9. “To solve the housing crisis we should consider all options including cutting taxes, cutting property taxes, cutting the carbon tax and cutting sales tax.”
10. “Swiss Chalet should stick with the Lindt instead of bringing back Toblerone to the Festive Special.”
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