Americans Reveal What It’s Like Living With The Woke Mind Virus

“I caught it from my son after he went to a school that hadn’t burned all their books.”

“I wake up naked every night inside a Planned Parenthood, unable to remember how I got there or what I was doing.”

“Now anytime I wear blackface, my skin burns.”

“My wife got it, but she was totally fine after I chained her up and locked her in the basement for two weeks without food or water.”

“I just wish there were a vaccine for the woke mind virus that I could have refused to take.”

“We’re just hoping that someday, someone holds George Soros responsible for doing this to us.”

“The woke mind virus caused a tiny Ibram X. Kendi to burst out of my colleague’s chest after devouring his insides for sustenance. It then jumped into my mouth and I was so frightened I accidentally swallowed it. I’m afraid the same fate will now befall me.”

“I got it from a Chick-fil-A sandwich, go figure!”

“Oh, you know. I start the day with a woke shower and then eat some woke eggs and woke potatoes. Then I put on my woke pants and woke shirt and hail a woke taxi to job shooting woke pornography.”

“I want to yell racial slurs, but every time I open my mouth, ‘Fight Song’ comes out instead.”

“Well, for one, I’m gay now. Granted. I was before, too. The woke mind virus apparently doesn’t really have an effect on your sexuality, funny enough.”

“There is a tattoo of Kamala Harris where my penis used to be.”

“Frankly, I don’t know how long I have left. My insurance doesn’t cover woke mind virus.”

“I spent $150,000 replacing my eyeballs, tongue, face, and nose so I look like a giant hardcover copy of White Fragility.”

“I think I only got a mild case, because I still call anyone who doesn’t go on a date with me a whore.”

“I beg for death, but I cannot die. I’ve jumped off a 10-story building. I’ve tied cinderblocks to my feet and jumped in a lake. I’ve shot myself in the head. Every time, I come to on a liberal college campus in a women’s studies class.”

“The impulse to molest is luckily stored in a different, unaffected part of the cortex.”

“I hallucinated that I was in a committed, long-term relationship with Rosie O’Donnell, and I liked it.”

“I develop a new symptom every day, it’s honestly a frustratingly incoherent illness.”

“It spreads through a cursed, tattered copy of We Should All Be Feminists that keeps showing up on your doorstep, no matter how many times you throw it away.”

“I think Black people should be able to vote. Goodbye. I can’t keep living like this. These will be my final words.”

“An immigrant carried it over! An immigrant from elsewhere! Elsewhere has the woke mind virus, and the immigrant, who is of course unclean, brought the woke mind virus from the elsewhere and it now has infected my whole family!”

“Hello. Can I be woke?”

“I am unable to see the American flag.”

“Is the woke virus the thing where you turn into a goat whenever there’s a red tide? And you have to roam around eating grass and tree bark with the other goats until the red tide pulls away? If so, I have that, yeah.”

“The woke mind virus killed my mother, Ruth Bader Ginsburg.”

“You’re not going to like this, but the only antidote is Joe Biden’s semen.”