Private Equity Firm Announces 2030 Goal Of Making Everything A Little Grayer, A Little Less Full Of Joy

NEW YORK—In an effort to establish clear and definable targets for the coming decade, private equity firm Hawthorne Capital announced Monday an ambitious 2030 goal of making everything a little grayer, a little less full of joy. “Over the coming years, we’ve established a strategic focus across several key sectors to help slowly drain all things in the world of any color or love,” wrote Hawthorne Capital managing director James Piedmont in a letter to investors that highlighted core growth areas of destroying just a bit more hope, inspiration, and meaning in culture every day. “In the coming quarter, our dynamic approach will be to suck dry any small thing that was once held dear until it’s a mockery of not only itself, but of anyone who ever took pleasure in its existence. Internally, we liken it to very slowly strangling the life from a pet rabbit in front of a terrified child’s eyes. And it will all happen so slowly that no one will notice until it’s all gone.” At press time, shares for Hawthorne Capital’s listing on the New York Stock Exchange had increased nearly 23%.