CUPERTINO, CA—In a stunning conclusion to the highly anticipated keynote address, Apple announced Tuesday that the new iPhone 15 will include 12 animal sounds and a colorful lever. “The next sea change in personal electronics has arrived, and it goes moo,” said CEO Tim Cook, explaining to a crowd of cheering fans that while the $999 phone would feature a bright lever that would turn a multicolored spinning arrow and prompt a prerecorded animal sound effect, it would not be able to send or receive calls or text, or connect to the internet. “What can you expect from the new iPhone 15? I have one word. Cock-a-doodle-doo. With our proprietary technology, you will never again have to think about whether a pig or dog says oink.” At press time, Apple software engineers were frantically trying to fix a bug that caused the cat to bark.
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