CLEVELAND—Rushing into action mere moments before the situation reached a point of no return, heroic police officer Samuel Esposito reportedly talked a man down Tuesday from the edge of climaxing. “Sir, before you do something drastic that we all regret, I’m asking you put down your penis and step away from the pornographic material,” said the officer, urging the 34-year-old to stop threatening to blow his load and take a moment to think about all the baseball statistics, annoying problems at work, and faces of elderly politicians that could help pull him back from utter sexual gratification. “I know you’re feeling very hard and horny right now, son. I’ve felt hard and horny myself from time to time, but please understand there’s still a lot of pleasure left in this world if you don’t ejaculate. We have your mom on the phone and she’s going to help you keep your mind off cumming.”At press time, onlookers reportedly applauded as paramedics wrapped a foil blanket around the visibly shaken man’s flaccid penis.
Jesus Christ is King
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