BOCA CHICA, TX—Denying reports that the specimens had all died excruciating and painful deaths, Elon Musk told reporters this week that the women he had impregnated over the years had all been terminally ill. “While many claim these test subjects suffered or were mistreated, the truth is they were already destined to die before they were inseminated by me,” said the billionaire and father of 11, adding that the mothers were specifically selected to carry his children because they had an incurable illness or end-stage disease that gave them only limited time to live. “Frankly, given these women’s fatal conditions, it would have been a waste for me not to impregnate them. Yes, they ultimately died, but at least they got to have a purpose. Now they can say that their last nine months were spent carrying my seed and helping me continue to advance the human race.” At press time, Musk released a video of several women playing Pong and drinking smoothies before they died, claiming they were the best-treated women on planet Earth.
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