Jack Link’s Introduces Extra-Tough Barbed Jerky

MINONG, WI—Saying the product was only for those truly serious about feeding their wild side, beef snack purveyor Jack Link’s announced Friday it had begun selling a new, extra-tough barbed jerky, reportedly its most indigestible processed meat offering to date. “Loaded with meat spikes, our latest jerky is now available to anyone who’s ready to sink their teeth into a 9-inch length of dry, hard, twisted beef,” said Jack Link’s spokesperson David Helem, noting that the sharp-edged jerky was guaranteed to kill anyone with a weak digestive tract. “Nut up, chomp down, and brace yourself for internal bleeding. What’s more, our extra-tough barbed jerky hurts as much coming out as it does going in. After all, why would you bother with a snack that doesn’t leave your asshole covered in blood?” The product launch also marked the introduction of a new slogan for Jack Link’s Sasquatch mascot, who will now be featured in ads saying “Don’t try to induce vomiting.”