Archrival Not Successful Either

CHICAGO—Locked in what couldn’t exactly be called a power struggle, local man Joe Horochowski confirmed Tuesday that his archrival Kyle Wall was not successful either. “I always dreaded things working out for him more than me, but, honestly, it’s hard to tell who’s doing worse,” said Horochowski, who worked as a clerk at a convenience store earning $15 an hour across the street from the convenience store where Wall, his former graduate school classmate whom he had always regarded as his most formidable competitor, worked as a clerk earning $15 an hour. “I used to have nightmares that his work would blow up and he would become a household name, but socially, physically, artistically, and financially, the guy’s just as fucked as me. We’re both drowning in debt and suicidal. It’s kind of sad. I still hate his fucking guts though.” At press time, Horochowski was riding the high of his greatest achievement in years after learning that Wall had been shot during a robbery at his store.