Men Explain Why They Are Obsessed With The Roman Empire

“They didn’t have electricity back then! So just think how easy my job would be. Oh man, I’d just be kicking back and eating bonbons all day long.”

“Well, the other 90% of the time I’m thinking about Nazis, and this seems more socially acceptable.”

“I have a getting-stabbed-then-fed-to-the-lions fetish.”

“Look, thinking about aqueducts beats shooting up a grocery store due to the mental illness I refuse to acknowledge I have.”

“It’s how I explain all the male communal baths I’ve been hosting to my wife.”

“Have you ever had a really good carbonara? I mean, come on.”

“My wife bought me a book about the Roman Empire and now I have to pretend to be obsessed so I don’t hurt her feelings.”

“It’s my favorite fantasy world, just behind Narnia.”

“Something about a glass of port, a roaring fire, and Edward Gibbon’s elegant prose in The Decline And Fall Of The Roman Empire just makes me cum like a fucking jackhammer every time.”

“I think it’s so cool how their bodies were made of marble.”

“My dad won’t make eye contact with me unless I’m talking about that or industrial manufacturing.”

“Autism.”

“The Roman Empire is certainly one of the most fascinating periods of human history, which is why I decided to get a PhD studying its culinary customs and—wait, why are you asking me about this? Aw shit, did this become a weird men’s rights thing? Fuck.”

“Whenever I mention it around women, their ears immediately begin to bleed.”

“If men didn’t want to be a dad, they could leave the baby on the side of the road to be picked up by someone who wanted a slave, and people didn’t make as big a deal about it as they do now.”

“Normal back then to have sex with a horse.”

“I’d probably be a pretty good gladiator, or lion.”

“I don’t know, man, I just kind of picked a major at random when I was a teenager and now this is my thing forever.”

“I’ve been hooked ever since I found out incest is a big part of stoicism.”

“My girlfriend said I had to pretend to be for a video thing.”

“Today’s weakling cucks would have no fucking clue about how to build aqueducts.”

“I often wonder if they ever used the brushes on top of their helmets to clean up messes.”

“My brother-in-law hit me with a bat as a hilarious prank, and now I think it’s 27 B.C.”

“Got bored of thinking about ISIS all day.”

“Sorry, I’m a woman, and therefore here by mistake. I don’t have anything to say about the Roman Empire, as I’ve internalized society’s bizarre assertion that only men can be interested in history.”

“They invented the internet.”

“I study all historical forms of battle so I am ready if my teen karate dojo ever goes to war with a rival teen karate dojo.”

“Every time I’m stuck in traffic for an hour on a road that connects two major cities, I think, ‘Wow, they made this possible.’”

“Child brides.”