Obesity Study Finds 36% Of Americans One Deep Breath Away From Pants Popping Open

ATLANTA—Referring to the prevalence of the condition in the United States as both widespread and dire, a new obesity study released Wednesday by the Centers for Disease Control found that 36% of Americans were one deep breath away from their pants popping open. “Our data shows that for more than a third of the population, a single, large inhalation is all that would be required for the button to go flying off their pants and their paunch to come flopping out,” said CDC director Dr. Mandy Cohen, adding that certain genetic and socioeconomic circumstances could greatly increase the chance of someone’s pants busting open with a “doink” sound, resulting in their big belly pouring out over their waistline. “In addition, for nearly 120 million Americans, one single bend forward will, at some point in their lifetime, result in their pants splitting up the back and their ass spilling out right there in front of everybody. This is just the reality of the epidemic.” Cohen went on to recommend that anyone hoping to reduce long-term wear and tear on their pants focus on taking shallow breaths and avoid letting out a long, defeated sigh at the end of the day.