Report: Habsburgs Stopped Inbreeding One Generation Short Of Producing Perfect Human Specimen

PRINCETON, NJ—After studying the family’s genetic abnormalities over the course of many generations, a team of Princeton University researchers concluded in a paper published Wednesday that the Habsburg family stopped inbreeding one generation short of producing the perfect human specimen. “Sadly, while they didn’t know it, if the Habsburgs had committed incest just one more time, they could have created a superhuman far beyond the realm of our wildest dreams,” said lead researcher Professor Jeff Bailey, adding that the many physical deformities the family had developed, including protruding jaws and lower lips, were a single generation away from mutating into an evolutionary advantage that would have fundamentally changed the human race as we know it. “While the Habsburgs did intermarry amongst their family for hundreds of years, in the end, they unfortunately failed to take their inbreeding far enough. Had just one more pair of siblings married, or even a pair of cousins, this family could have birthed the healthiest, most intelligent, and most attractive being the world had ever seen. It’s such a tragedy.” Bailey also confirmed that the Habsburgs introducing non-family members into their genetic pool helped create the most hideous, malformed human to date.