BOCA CHICA, TX—Touting the device as the next step forward in primate mutilation, Elon Musk announced Thursday the first successful human trial of Neuralink’s brain detonator. “I am thrilled to announce that after exploding the heads of our trial participants, Neuralink’s groundbreaking brain detonator is one step closer to commercial reality,” said Musk, explaining that the Neuralink brain detonator actually exceeded expectations by incinerating the skulls and melting the flesh of 100% of test subjects. “We plan to initially roll out this cerebrum-splattering technology to invalids, comatose patients, and the clueless before expanding it to the general public. And soon, the brain detonator will be implanted in the cranium of every man, woman, and child in the country.” At press time, the Neuralink brain detonator trials were reportedly paused after Musk’s head exploded.
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