Nation Torn Between Party That Openly Supports Perversion And Party That Only Secretly Supports Perversion

U.S. — Following multiple embarrassing, high-profile scandals on both sides of the political aisle, the American people expressed conflicted feelings about whether they should vote for a party that openly supports perversion or a party that only secretly supports perversion.

“It kinda seems like a lose-lose situation,” said disappointed voter Adam Kinnunen. “I can either put my support behind a party that is actively trying to dismantle the very fabric of human decency and morality in our country, or I can support the party that talks about upholding traditional values while secretly engaging in all the things I think are reprehensible. Yeah. Real great options there.”

GOP leaders were quick to play defense in the face of public criticism. “We ask the American people to be patient with us,” said Republican National Committee Chairwoman Ronna McDaniel from a coke orgy in a DC basement. “We will increase our efforts to publicly clean up our act and keep our degeneracy behind closed doors. We want our voters to feel confident that all of our disgusting, immoral activity will remain private.”

Voters reached for comment were unconvinced. “That isn’t very reassuring,” said real estate agent Aaron Olla. “I really don’t feel great about supporting a party that just does really awful things in secret. Say what you want about Democrats — and they are hideous — but at least they’re open and honest about it.”

Democrats were quick to condemn Republicans over the issue. “Republicans are disgusting hypocrites,” said Senator Chuck Schumer. “As disgusting non-hypocrites, it is our duty to be as shamelessly disgusting in public as often as possible until the indecent behavior is completely normalized. It’s the decent thing to do.”

Kyle Mann was just minding his own business, when- BOOP! A wild Gender Fairy appeared!

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