NEW YORK—Attributing the move to its need to address a long-standing safety concern, the NFL introduced a new helmet this week designed to protect players’ wives. “These new helmets are specially designed to withstand repeated blows and to protect the faces of our players’ wives, girlfriends, mistresses, and other sexual partners,” NFL commissioner Roger Goodell said of the Riddell SafeWife, which features lightweight military-grade composite padding, six different face-mask configurations, and an optional visor. “We’re proud of the work we’ve done with Riddell to give our players’ romantic partners a helmet that pairs best-in-class safety standards with options for customization to defend against the specific ways the player attacks them. We believe we can prevent the vast majority of long-term significant brain damage that comes with repeated blows to the head, and we are proud that the league has taken this step to curb injuries to wives, mistresses, and women the players meet at bars.” At press time, the NFL announced that due to wives’ concerns about the effectiveness of the helmets, they were also adding spikes.
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