Study Finds Drinking Children’s Blood No More Effective Than Regular Blood At Achieving Eternal Life

BOSTON—Challenging the alleged benefits of the practice as touted in the press and by social media influencers, a study published Thursday in the Journal Of Hematology concluded that drinking children’s blood is no more likely to lead to eternal life than drinking regular blood. “When it comes to attaining immortality, the ritual of capturing a child, opening one of its arteries, and draining all the blood into your mouth provides no greater benefit than doing the same with an adult,” said Ralph Santos, a Boston University professor and co-author of the study, which used a sample size of more than 1,000 adults, children, and babies, and found no statistically significant difference between the life-extending properties of sanguinary diets based on various age groups. “While there may be other nutritional benefits to feeding on the blood of the young and the innocent, it appears to have no meaningful impact on a population’s overall deathless rate. Of course, there’s nothing wrong with drinking a child’s blood as part of a healthy, well-balanced lifestyle. We just can’t guarantee it will reverse the aging process.” Santos went on to add that drinking the blood of the elderly will, however, cause one to age several decades in a matter of seconds before dropping to the floor shriveled and dead.