Cancer Researchers Tout Huge Strides In Fight Against 350-Foot-Tall Tumor Terrorizing Manhattan

NEW YORK—Saying they’ve never been better equipped or had more tools at their disposal to take on the deadly disease, top cancer researchers held a press conference Friday to tout the huge strides that had been made in the fight against the 350-foot-tall tumor terrorizing Manhattan. “Thanks to the innovative breakthroughs and the tireless dedication of oncologists across the globe, we have made great advancements in containing the malignant growth that has been lumbering through the streets of New York and crushing everything in its path,” said cancer epidemiologist Dieter Schmidt, highlighting how increases in both government and private funding had allowed scientists to accelerate their efforts to take out the towering, abnormal mass of cells currently climbing the Empire State Building. “The tactical use of radiation from our chemo-cannons has shrunk the monstrous tumor down from its peak height of 1,200 feet, which has been a game-changer. And while it’s still killing thousands of people, with any luck, by the time our children are grown, a brush with this overgrown lump of cancerous flesh will no longer be a death sentence.” At press time, New York was reportedly in danger of succumbing to cancer after the giant tumor began to spread aggressively to the city’s outer boroughs.