U.S. Gerontocracy Tightens Grip On Power By Executing Olivia Rodrigo

WASHINGTON—In an effort to consolidate its influence over the rest of the population, the U.S. gerontocracy tightened its grip on power Friday by executing 20-year-old pop star Olivia Rodrigo. “Heed our word, lest you meet the same fate as this Rodrigo,” said Senate Minority Leader and Silent Generation member Mitch McConnell, one of the 55.8 million Americans over 65 who let out guttural howls of victory as they dragged the “Vampire” singer’s body through the streets to secure their dominance over younger demographics. “Let it be a reminder to all that you must be a baby boomer or older to influence the course of events in this country. We will place Rodrigo’s head on a spike as a reminder to younger generations that any attempt to impede upon our authority will be met with quick and extreme vengeance.” McConnell then added that the gerontocrats were not done carrying out their punishments and declared that rapper Jack Harlow would be next.