SEATTLE—Sitting up with a terrified gasp as the realization shook her from her sleep, local woman Sarah Ostrowski reportedly woke up in a cold sweat Friday worried that her cat didn’t know how cute he was. “Oh my dear God, what if Winston is out there alone in the kitchen and no one remembered to tell him that he’s an adorable little snuggle-muffin who needs all the cuddles in the world?” said Ostrowski, who began audibly hyperventilating and rocking back and forth in bed as she was overcome with the sudden fear that her 7-year-old tabby had not been reminded recently that he was a petite feline gentleman who loved to eat his salmon num-nums. “I knew I shouldn’t have dismissed that horrible nightmare where my furry sweetums keeps running away before I can snatch his paws up in my hands and make him do a little dance. This is what I deserve for neglecting him. That’s it—I’m getting out of bed, and I won’t go back to sleep until I rub my face against his and give him all the kisses he deserves. Kitty? Kitty, where are you?” At press time, after being discovered in the kitchen, the cat reportedly comforted a beleaguered Ostrowski, speaking in a calming feline voice as he insisted that he understood that he was adorable and she was merely out of her fucking mind.
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