Penniless, Barefoot David Zaslav Wanders L.A. Streets After Reaching Deal With WGA

LOS ANGELES—Meagerly rattling a tin cup at pedestrians rushing past him on Sunset Boulevard, the penniless and barefoot Warner Bros. Discovery CEO David Zaslav was seen wandering the L.A. streets Monday after reaching a tentative deal with the striking members of the Writers Guild of America. “I’m ruined, please—I have nothing left,” said Zaslav, who wore tattered rags and appeared not to have bathed as he turned his pockets out in disappointment and then warmed his hands before a trash can fire, standing alongside Netflix co-CEOs Ted Sarandos and Greg Peter while the men gazed up at their former penthouse offices, now occupied by recently minted billionaire television and film writers. “Those cold, selfish word magnates took everything from me. They won’t stop until they own all of Hollywood, will they? Please, sir, madam, can you spare one little producer credit to get me back on my feet? All I’ve left is a single bean for supper.” At press time, the bean had reportedly been crushed under the bejeweled scepter of a monocle-clad writer for Abbott Elementary.