KANSAS CITY, MO—Rolling their eyes as the tulip poplar they sat beneath began to rustle Monday, local witnesses reported that a wildly flailing tree was exaggerating its reaction to what was nothing more than a gentle breeze. “Ugh, can you believe the theatrics?” said sighing onlooker Darrell Denton, who stood up and mockingly waved his arms around in a melodramatic fashion to demonstrate to those around him what “that idiot tree” looked like. “I swear, all it takes is the slightest wisp of air passing through its branches, and this drama queen freaks the fuck out. The wind right now is nothing—it’s 5, 10 miles per hour, tops. But from the way the tree is dropping leaves and bending this way and that you’d think we were in a hurricane. Can you imagine this asshole trying to hack it on the coast with some actual gale-force winds rolling in? Forget it.” At press time, Denton was continuing on about how the tree was “all bluster” when he was crushed mid-sentence by a falling branch.
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