Couple Pities Man Eating Alone Instead Of In Complete Silence With Person He Can’t Stand Anymore

TOLEDO, OH—Finding themselves distracted and unable to enjoy their meal, local couple Monica and Kyle Hulud told reporters Wednesday they pitied the man at Rosie’s Italian Grille who was eating alone instead of in complete silence with a person he couldn’t stand anymore. “Poor guy has to have dinner all by himself instead of sitting across from someone he’s slowly grown to resent over the past 20 years,” said Monica Hulud, adding that it was really sad to be seated near a diner who had no one to talk to and wasn’t being bored to death by stories they had heard over and over again from a partner they had grown tired of and couldn’t stand to look at anymore. “What’s the point of going out to a restaurant if you can’t sit in the staleness of your relationship and share the unbearable quiet? I feel like we should ask him to join our table, but it would be too weird to sit in silence with someone who’s not a person you are stuck eating with every day, all the while secretly hoping they’ll choke on their food, die, and thereby permit you to move on with your life.” At press time, the lone diner was reportedly pitying the bored-looking married couple who, instead of spending the rest of their evening however they pleased, would be forced to come to some sort of bullshit compromise and wind up doing something neither of them really enjoyed.