What To Say To A Child If They Don’t Believe In God

Then loudly announce to the rest of the family that only those going to church will get ice cream.

On second thought, that’s probably not going to help your case with little Gaius.

You can try this line of rhetoric, but they’re definitely not as high as you right now.

Got his ass.

No kid would choose a party over a stable desk job in the sky.

Maybe you can’t convince your child that a divine creator is behind each and every one of us, but President Jackson can.

Your child can still be an atheist who hates women.

No! Not the column! Not your 11-year-old’s column!

Send Richard Dawkins to his room immediately.

I mean, did your son even sit down and read the five volumes of the Summa Theologica you got him last Christmas?

If the Touched By An Angel star isn’t their speed, there’s also Patricia Heaton.

Then insist they get down on the floor and lick your boots clean.

Then start packing up your Barrett M82 sniper rifle. That bastard will pay for what he’s done to your child.

How else are you going to bridge the gap between quantum and Newtonian mechanics?

Support is essential during childhood.

It’s good to let your child know that just because they’ve changed their mind, that doesn’t mean it’s time to uproot the entire routine.”

Obviously, it’s easy to get disillusioned, but remind them it wasn’t God Himself who molested them, it was only His emissary!

Belief in half-mortal, half-deities is a good middle ground for a child who doesn’t want to believe in one all-powerful creator.

After raising this baby you found on the steps of your remote monastery one rainy night as a monk, you assumed he’d want to take up the celibate meditative life forever, but God apparently has another path for him.

Send that bitch to the hell your kid doesn’t even believe in.

As much fun as this would be, make sure they really don’t believe in God before you take this huge, incredibly fun step.

Now you may leave.