ARGOS, NY—Offering an alternative for parents in the community who, for whatever reason, feel they cannot currently handle the burden of raising an infant, the Argos Fire Department has installed a no-questions-asked baby furnace outside its station, town sources confirmed Wednesday. “We’re providing this service around the clock and without judgment to any mother or father for whom the pressure of parenting a newborn has become too much: Simply drop the child into the incinerator, and we’ll take it from there,” said fire marshal Steve Plemonts, adding that in order to avoid any privacy concerns on the parents’ part, the furnace would be unmonitored except for when a volunteer cleaned out the ashes at the end of each night. “We are here to help if you’re in a difficult situation. There is no camera and little chance of criminal prosecution. Just place the baby inside the padded bin of our 1,800-degree commercial oven and walk away.” Plemonts went on to discourage parents from leaving a name or contact information with the infant, given that a piece of paper would just be incinerated along with it.
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