LONDON, ON ― 22-year-old Dorian Bishop, a fourth-year medical student at Western University, reports that the single-serve coffee maker he recently purchased is falling far short of expectations.
“My old coffee maker was best suited to a full pot, about 4 cups, I’d say. I’d make three pots a day and split it with my roommate, and that worked well. But now that I’m living alone for the first time, I was finding that two pots is just a little too much, and one pot is too little.”
“So when I heard about single-serve coffee makers, I thought that would be perfect for my single-person household. I assumed it would make maybe about six cups, a day’s worth for one person, and that way, I could get a proper jolt without wasting any coffee.”
Bishop says that the product seemed small when he first opened it, but he figured the capacity must just be greater than it appeared. He was shocked when he put his coffee pot underneath and received only an eight-ounce dribble, amounting to roughly a day’s allowance when he was thirteen.
“And that was only because my parents wouldn’t allow me to drink any more than that, mind you,” Bishop added. “Seriously, if you consider this to be one serving of coffee, you might as well just switch to herbal tea.”
Not only that, but Bishop suspects that the machine is designed to actively prevent his getting an adequate amount of coffee by randomly losing either the capsule or half the water he puts in, making the weakest coffee he has ever tasted, and pretending there is any difference between the large cup and small cup buttons.
“On the other hand, thanks to all those little disposable pods, this thing produces enough garbage for ten people,” Bishop mused.
Other foods that Bishop has since discovered to have laughably tiny serving sizes include cheese (3 cm cube) and almonds (about a dozen). The revelation that some people consider a single slice of pizza to be a meal gave him an existential crisis to reckon with over his breakfast of two “servings” of coffee and five times the recommended number of breakfast sausages.
Friends report that the experience has changed Bishop, leaving him unable to trust any new information. They have encouraged him to file a lawsuit for false advertising, which he intends to do as soon as he wakes up from his third caffeine-deprivation-induced nap of the day.
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