Triumphant Biden Announces U.S. Has Killed Man Who Kind Of Looks Like Osama Bin Laden

WASHINGTON—Delivering a jubilant address to the American people, a triumphant President Joe Biden announced Wednesday that the United States had killed a man who kind of looked like Osama bin Laden. “I am proud to stand before you and report that the U.S. Special Operations Command has carried out a mission that killed a guy who is pretty much a dead ringer for Osama bin Laden,” said the president, explaining that intelligence channels were able to independently verify that the man who was taken out in a midnight raid was in fact the late al-Qaeda leader’s doppelgänger. “I want to congratulate Seal Team 6 for their bravery during the raid of the bin Laden look-alike’s Tampa Bay, FL compound, where they neutralized the target with lethal force. We got him, ladies and gentlemen, whoever he is.” Biden added that the man who looked like bin Laden had in his residence the exact same cache of pornography that the real bin Laden had in his possession at the time of his death.