Report: Government Shutdown Could Imperil Hundreds Of Americans Currently At Top Of Federally Funded Ferris Wheels

WASHINGTON—Warning about the grave fallout should Republicans and Democrats fail to find common ground in negotiations, a report released Thursday by the Congressional Budget Office found that a government shutdown could imperil hundreds of Americans currently at the top of federally funded Ferris wheels. “Even a temporary shutdown could risk stranding Americans for hours or even days just as they hit the summit of government-funded Ferris wheels,” said CBO spokesperson Cindy Liu, warning any American planning on bringing their sweetheart for just one kiss on the Federal Fun Ferris Wheel that they could be left swinging for an extended period without food or water. “It’s vital that Americans understand that an Oct. 1 shutdown would go into effect right away: That means workers immediately switching off the calliope playing ‘Hail To The Chief,’ unplugging the red-white-and-blue lights, and abandoning American Funnel Cake machines. Then you’ll just be up there by yourself, and let me tell you, things get chilly fast.” Liu also confirmed that all U.S. military tilt-a-whirls would be unaffected by a shutdown as they were classified as essential services.