LACONIA, NH—Barnstorming across the nation as his presidential bid falters amid weakening poll numbers, Gov. Ron DeSantis covered himself in shit at numerous campaign stops this week in an effort to appear more relatable to the common man. “Look at me! I’m an average Joe who’s covered in his own filth and doesn’t know how to clean himself!” DeSantis said at an event in New Hampshire, dumping a 5-gallon bucket of what appeared to be human excrement over his head, rolling around in the feces, and imitating the sound of a pig. “Yes, it’s true I went to a couple fancy colleges, but that was a long, long time ago. These days I don’t even know how to read! Ha-ha. I’m just a regular guy letting the flies swarm around his head and land on his maggot-infested open sores. Can’t you see I’m a pitiful, disgusting degenerate just like you? Now let’s have a beer together.” At press time, DeSantis had reportedly missed out on an attempt to connect with ordinary working-class people when an Iowa diner refused to seat the diseased, shit-encrusted candidate.
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